We worry about what to wear to weddings for good reason. Oh sure, you want to look nice, and you don't want to show up in anything wildly inappropriate. A wedding is a solemn occasion, and what you wear should make it clear that you respect the seriousness of the event and the feelings of all involved.

So, if you can't figure out what sort of outfit conveys that, then -- for bride's sake -- ask. If you're not absolutely sure about wearing a strapless black leather mini-dress with lots of zippers to your stepson's country club wedding (where you'll be seeing your new husband's ex-wife for the first time since you quit being his secretary) then ask. In this case, maybe you'd want to ask the bride-to-be.

But, if you asked me, I'd tell you to dress as conservatively as you know how. This could be the one time where a senior member of the wedding party really should wear boring, anonymous beige lace. Remember: It's not so much what you wear as how the principals -- the bride, the groom, the extended family -- feel about what you wear. Even if you think they're nuts, respect their feelings.

And don't spill anything on anybody.

Here's more of Patsy's best advice on wedding wear …

Off the Shoulder is Not a Mortal Sin, But Say You're Sorry Anyway
Q. When I got married a few years ago, my mother-in-law took issue with my choice of bridesmaid's dresses. They were slightly off-the-shoulder and "Mom" felt strongly that off-the-shoulder dresses were inappropriate attire for church. I should also mention that "Mom" used to be a nun.

A. Just the other day, I heard Bob Mackie, who designed all those barely-there dresses for Cher, express his amazement at the way wedding dresses now are "strapless, strapless, strapless!" He noted that, years back, a woman who showed up in a strapless wedding gown for a church ceremony would've been stoned. (With actual stones, he meant.)

Your mother-in-law is living in the past. If she ever brings it up again, say, "Mom, I'm so sorry you felt that way. I wish we could've exchanged them for something you would've been comfortable with, but it was just too late/too expensive/whatever."

Just because you're right doesn't mean you can win this argument, so don't try.

Mothers Need Not Wear Floofy Beige
Q. My son is getting married in June and I need some help with proper dress and accessories. I am 63, I weigh 170 lbs. and I am 5'1. I'm dieting and hope to weigh a little less when the wedding comes around. Can you advise me on clothes and accessories? Should I wear gloves?

A. Your first move should be to call the bride's mother and ask what she's wearing. The idea here is that the mother of the bride chooses the color of her dress, and then the mother of the groom chooses a color that won't clash. Some people will tell you that this is a set-in-stone tradition that goes back to the Hittites. In fact, even 50 or 60 years ago, Emily Post and Amy Vanderbilt had never heard of it. I suspect it came in with color film, and brides wanting all the colors in their wedding albums to look nice together.

Now, of course, some brides come right out and tell everybody what to wear. Even if your son's intended isn't issuing a lot of orders, you might ask her whether she'd like you to wear anything special.

My advice: Wear something that looks like spring, and nothing looks springier than navy and white. Also, navy is as close as you can get to the slenderizing effect of black without looking wintry. Consider a body-skimming navy-blue dress to just below the knee, maybe with a white collar to frame your face. Wear navy and white spectator pumps, short white gloves and, if you like hats, a navy straw with a big white silk flower or a panama with a navy band. Carry a small navy clutch or envelope bag.

Whatever you do, avoid the classic shapeless beige lace or floofy peach chiffon that makes you look like you're wearing somebody's living room curtains. Billowy light colors can't help but add pounds.

How to Look Taller While Reading Scripture
Q. My niece has asked me to do a scripture reading during her evening wedding. What should I wear? I am 5'2" and weigh about 90 lbs. I would like to wear a dress that makes me look taller than I am.

A. For a church wedding in the evening, you'll want something fairly formal -- but not something that looks as if you're going to your senior prom. To look taller, your best bet is a long dress that skims the body in a solid dark color. Vertical seams lengthen the line of the dress; a sleeveless dress with a V neckline adds more verticality.

If you want to wear high heels, make SURE they're easy to walk in, because it's a lot more embarrassing to trip on your way up to the altar with a whole church full of people watching you than to look a couple inches shorter.

Sometimes tiny women try to look taller by doing their hair in gigantic up-dos, but that's a mistake: It just makes you look like a short person with tall hair. Keep everything -- hair, bag, jewelry -- in proportion. (And remember, altars are usually raised platforms, so you'll look taller anyway.)

Groom's Stepmother Walks a Fine Line
Q. My stepson is getting married in an afternoon ceremony in January. My husband will be in a tux. The bridesmaids are wearing black velvet tops with long crimson skirts. Would a longish skirt with a beautiful sweater be appropriate? I'm just not sure how dressy I should be.

A. Ask the bride what she'd like you to wear -- and what her mother is wearing. My feeling is that, especially if your stepson has a living mother who will attend, the cool thing for you to do is to avoid any suggestion that you're trying to compete. You don't want to seem to be calling attention to yourself, and you equally don't want to seem to be under dressing to the extent that it looks like you aren't taking the wedding seriously.

To me, a longish skirt and a beautiful sweater seems more of a relaxed-dinner-party-with-friends kind of thing. For an afternoon wedding, I think you may be more comfortable in something less relaxed -- a dress or a dressy suit.

When it's Hot, Hot, Hot!
Q. I am going to a wedding in June that will be held outdoors in extremely hot weather. What can I wear that would be appropriate and comfortable?

A. You don't say what time this wedding is, or how formal, either of which could make a big difference. For daytime, the Travelsmith catalog has a line of separates made of CoolMax, a Dupont fiber that's pretty much the state of the art in coolth. It wicks moisture away from the skin to cool you off. These things aren't exactly visually thrilling, but there's a tank-top jumper you could wear as a dress, with a matching cardigan tied around your shoulders. Dress up the look with some pearls, or maybe some frosty glass beads. And how about a straw hat?

For an evening wedding, you could wear the dress in black, and toss an airy iridescent shawl over your shoulders. Your second best bet, cool-wise, is linen. Find something simple, loose, unlined, in a great color. And no stockings -- a look that's been approved by the fashion cognoscenti at the moment, and also blessedly cool.

Chilly at the Altar
Q. My young son is to be a ring bearer at a September wedding in Michigan. I live in Hawaii, so I'm not sure what to wear. I know that it should be something that I can look graceful in while running down the aisle after my little guy.

A. Think about a suit. The jacket could come in handy since Michigan -- especially northern Michigan -- can be quite chilly in September. And if you happen to hit a streak of Indian summer, take off the jacket. If, on the other hand, you're afraid you'll never wear a suit again, look for a day dress you can accessorize with a shawl or a lightweight sweater that you can tie casually over your shoulders.

Patricia McLaughlin is a nationally syndicated fashion columnist.
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